all the things she said

all the things she said

running through my head

all the things she said

all the things she said

running through my head

running through my head

this is not enough.

I’m all mixed up feeling cornered and rushed.

I can try to pretend

I can try to forget

but its driving me mad

all the things she said

all the things she said

running through my head.

well lets choke down half the bottle of pills already if we’re going to do it.

its kind of funny

how once you make the decision

everything sort of fades into the backround

the papers

the assignments

the speeches

the projects

none of them matter

they never mattered.

i guess they’re a lot like me

don’t get me wrong

i’m not trying to feel sorry for myself

but the truth is i do

i always feel like

i’ve been through too much

like life hasn’t exactly been kind

yes its given me hope and love and some bits of joy

but it always takes it away.

yeah i know, “thats just life kylie”

but i can never nail down happiness for longer than a few days

it keeps slipping away

and warping itself

in its abscene.

it comes back

from that damned place

much too far away

it comes back

smouldering with malice

piercing me with lethal stingers

that she didn’t even know she had

and now that i let the memories come back

the nightmare reality sink in

i feel that pressure on my chest

that stormy ocean inside my belly

the gripping spasms that contract my body

like that of a pillbug.

so excuse me while i get killed softly

heart slows down

and i can hardly tell you i’m okay.

i was trying to disappear

but you got me wrapped around you

i can hardly breathe without you…

what am i still doing standing here?

i know you have to go

you have to go arrange a wedding

and i do too.

to marry the man i’ve grown to love so well

he waits for me at the alter

and in my black gown of agony

his brother escorts me down the aisle

grinning a sympathetic smile.

So in the end,

my husbands loving brother Suicide,

he gives me away to my darling groom,

Death

he stands there with lust in his face

waiting to put the black wedding band

on my finger

and claim me as his own

forever.

knowing that the only person truly care about wants to kill themselves half as much as you do really brightens up your day.

when every pain you’ve ever felt comes rushing back into reality like a living, thriving nightmare.

i’ve been trying to take them down.

but its little things like this that keep the bricks stuck together.

i have to say thank you.

you always told me i’d come back apologizing for my behavior, for being so ignorant, for being selfish and ungrateful.

well i have realized now how grateful i am to be cursed with you four as my parents.

You’ve taught me that knowing everything makes you ignorant.

You’ve taught me to respect and love the person i choose to spend the rest of my life with.

You’ve taught me that alcohol is one of the most dangerous and vile things in the world.

You’ve taught me that trusting anyone is as stupid as playing Russian Roulette.

You’ve taught me how to manipulate any type of person i want.

You’ve taught me how to lie flawlessly.

You’ve taught me that screaming and yelling results in nothing but more sorrow.

You’ve taught me that intelligence will dominate brute force every time.

You’ve taught me how to reason with insane people.

You’ve taught me that demanding respect is the dumbest thing one can do.

You’ve taught me how i should not raise a child.

You’ve taught me that judgement of others is not in my power.

You’ve taught me how to be rejected and degraded.

You’ve taught me infinte patience.

You’ve taught me how to take a hit and not fall down.

You’ve taught me to take pride in who i am by not caring about what others think.

You’ve taught me how to defend myself and fight back.

You’ve taught me constructive ways of letting my negative emotions go.

You’ve taught me that even in the blackest pit of hell, i will always find hope.

You’ve taught me endurance and strength when all i wished for was an easy death.

You’ve taught me to protect myself.

But perhaps most importantly, you’ve taught me that no matter how terrible things may get in the future, they will never be as horrific as the time i was forced to spend with you.

And all of these things, i’ve learned because of the torture you put me through.

i always think my wounds are healed

that i can touch them again

but everytime i pull the stiches out

they bleed and rip open again.

which would be okay if i had one or two

but every inch of my body

is covered with wires holding me together

if i tried to pull them all out

my flesh would drip off onto the floor

and i’d be standing there in my skeleton.

even though i’ve had things threaded through my skin

for months now

the gaping holes

haven’t closed a single bit

and to try to touch them

still hurts.